Joke wars! - NSFW - Please do not go over the top with crude crap. : RSS 2.0

mutil8or @ 3/8/2010 7:42:26 PM

Human Interest Story

A young journalism student was assigned to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and explained his mission.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"

After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it, and then took it back home."

Again, the young man said, "I can't print that, either. Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said,

"This one time, I got lost."

tigertony @ 3/4/2010 12:17:48 PM

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No”, the woman replied. “I'm with the Internal Revenue Service”.

betty15 @ 3/2/2010 3:49:04 AM

Spam

KerOBeroS32 @ 3/1/2010 7:41:24 PM

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard"!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss and before she could say "s**t", the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room....

tigertony @ 2/27/2010 11:53:24 AM

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

With the bus full, the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

mutil8or @ 2/22/2010 9:04:53 PM

Widdle Wabbit

http://i532.photobucket.com/albums/ee321/Mutil8or/widdlewabbit.jpg

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

mutil8or @ 2/19/2010 10:52:48 PM

Sentence Structure Is So Important

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, “Mary, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

“Could you jack off?” she said. “I feel like s**t this morning.”

millerlite @ 2/13/2010 10:55:44 PM

sunshine14344 @ 2/12/2010 6:50:38 AM

Arriving home very drunk
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

NoPantsMan @ 2/11/2010 5:05:29 PM

"Well, congratulations to the world champion New Orleans Saints for winning the Super Bowl. That's the best thing to happen to New Orleans since George Bush left office." –Jay Leno

"A lot of Republicans attended President Obama's Super Bowl party. And I thought oh, yeah, they care about New Orleans, now!" –David Letterman

"It was so cold in Washington that the new senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown, was actually wearing pants." –David Letterman

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was speaking to a group called the Tea Party Group. And she received a hundred thousand dollars in payment. Now, of course, she was paid in pelts, but still." –David Letterman

"But 350 bucks a plate and a lot of people say, 'Whoa! Dave, that seems a little pricey.' Yes, but for 350, a guy will come to your table and waterboard a lobster." –David Letterman

"Did everybody watch the Super Bowl? Everybody's happy for New Orleans. In fact, FEMA announced plans to congratulate them in about two weeks." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Sarah Palin looked at notes written on her hand during a speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Isn't that wild? Oddly enough, she was reading, 'Hi, I'm Sarah Palin.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, tomorrow in Nashville, Sarah Palin will speak at the Tea Party Convention. Tickets are $550 apiece. Where are they getting this tea, Starbucks?" –Jay Leno

"But Sarah Palin said she will not benefit from the speech. See, that way she'll have something in common with the people in the audience." –Jay Leno

"You know anything about the new senator from the great state of Massachusetts? Senator Scott Brown. Comes out of nowhere, this guy. And he used to be, like, a go-go boy. That's where he got his start. And then he was a nude model, and now, he's a senator. Have you seen the guy? Terribly good-looking. He looks like one of those guys in an adult film who would describe his work as 'tasteful.'" –David Letterman

"He looks like one of those guys at the health club that would snap you with his towel." –David Letterman

"Well, we've got another one of those videotapes from Osama bin Laden. I mean, they're coming like once a month now. It's like you're in a club. You sign up, you get the whole collection. Time-Life: Osama bin Laden." –David Letterman

"And in this one, he's blaming the United States for global warming. Says the United States caused global warming, and by gosh, they better stop global warming. Sounds to me like somebody's looking for a Nobel Prize, doesn't it?" –David Letterman

"You folks excited about the Super Bowl coming up Sunday? And the New Orleans Saints' fans, I'm telling you, they have waited a long, long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it's been a very long, long time." –David Letterman

"President Obama is having a big Super Bowl party. And you know what he is doing? This guy is shrewd, very savvy politically. He has invited a bunch of senators to come to the White House for the Super Bowl party. What could be more fun than watching a four-hour football game with Joe Lieberman? There you go. Talk about rock 'n' roll." –David Letterman

"The president won't be at the Super Bowl either. In fact, in a show of some sort of spirit of cooperation, I guess, he's invited a group of top Republicans to watch the game with him at the White House on Sunday. That should be a lot of fun. Going to need a two-thirds vote before they pass him the Doritos." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But don't confuse that with another Clinton policy — 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary.' That was a whole different policy." –David Letterman

"And the wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford has written a book about her whole ordeal. Remember, he went to Argentina to see his mistress? She says her husband kept pestering her for permission to see his mistress. See, that shows you how bad the Republicans are at cheating, O.K. They ask permission. Republicans, stick to what they know — greed. Leave adultery to Democrats." –Jay Leno

"Some people are upset about President Obama's prime time speech tonight because it bumped ABC's airing of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas,' or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama ruins Christmas for a depressed bald kid.'" –Conan O'Brien

Moe @ 2/5/2010 12:47:09 AM

As promised:

Take a simple phrase, "Secure the building," and see the different meanings different occupations attach to it:

Navy: Turn out the lights and lock the doors.
Army: Post guards to prevent anyone from entering.
Marines: Take the building. Guard it with your lives. Destroy it if necessary.
Air Force: Rent it for 18 months, with an option to buy.
Prison: Post guards to prevent anyone from exiting.
Federal Bureaucrat: Put metal detectors at entrances; deploy truck-bomb squads.
Exterminator: Close all windows, evacuate everyone, then set off bug bombs.
Gas Company: Open all windows, then test for leaks.
Water Company: Turn off the water at the street valve.
Power Company: Pull out the electric meter, shutting off all power.
Electrician: Pull out the electric meter, shutting off all power.
Plumber: Turn off the main valve.
Police: Surround the building with cops and SWAT teams.
University department head: Get more space from the physical plant.
University security guard: Walk through the building once an hour and look bored.
Nuclear Regulatory Commission: Check everything with a Geiger counter.
Museum: Lock everyone in, search them, check the inventory.
Mayberry Jail: Take the keys off the hook; give Barney his bullet.
Real Estate Agent: Have an accepted offer with no stipulations.
Janitor: Lock the doors, mop the floors, and clean the fixtures.
Senator: Get all reporters out of the Capitol.
Campaign Manager: Make sure no opposition party spies are present.
CIA: Check for wiretaps, bugs, and other clandestine devices.
FBI: Shoot it full of holes.
EPA: Check for traces of hazardous materials and pollutants.
Ball Park: Make sure nobody gets in without a ticket.
Demolition Crew: What building?
Union Thug: Keep the scabs out.
Foreman: Keep the union thugs out.
California Contractor: Make it earthquake resistant.
Toon: Erase the doors and windows.
Outbuilding Sales: Screw the anchors into the ground.
Computer Manager: Install anti-virus software and a firewall.
Speculator: Make an offer before anyone else knows it's for sale.
Landlord: Put in a cheap buzzer lock and intercom system.

hoosker @ 2/4/2010 2:27:02 PM

I lolled!

Moe @ 2/4/2010 2:25:42 PM

« hoosker : Well I should hope so, I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything Moe, but that has to be the worst joke ever!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NO IT ISNT ITS THE f**kING FUNNIEST JOKE OF ALL TIME! I HATE YOU!!!111

*runs away crying*
*slams door*
*sob*

hoosker @ 2/4/2010 2:24:34 PM

« Moe : There's a much longer version of this but I cannot find it on google. If I have it at home, I'll post it later.

Well I should hope so, I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything Moe, but that has to be the worst joke ever!

Moe @ 2/4/2010 2:20:33 PM

There's a much longer version of this but I cannot find it on google. If I have it at home, I'll post it later.

icepigs @ 2/4/2010 1:59:32 PM

Why Joint Military Operations Do Not Work

One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms.

The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.

The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.

Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defenses with suppressive fire and amphibious assault vehicles, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose.

But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

mutil8or @ 1/31/2010 11:24:49 AM

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."

So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"

And so they all three prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.

As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:

"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent My Son to Israel ...."

tigertony @ 1/30/2010 10:36:19 PM

I got a boner at the nude beach. According to my shadow, it was 3:15...

soreen @ 1/26/2010 8:00:09 AM

« pocksucket : There's 27 episodes of Absolutely on 4OD.

Fill your boots.

Damn you... !

I'm gonna have to walk to the living room if I want to watch them!

pocksucket @ 1/26/2010 6:39:20 AM

« kelephon : Gah! can't watch that because it belongs to channel 4, who have blocked it in England for some reason?!

And I can't find it on youtube, which is a shame because I too, find the opposite perspective funny.

There's 27 episodes of Absolutely on 4OD.

Fill your boots.

kelephon @ 1/26/2010 5:41:15 AM

« soreen : But the Scots have given the English so much.

Gah! can't watch that because it belongs to channel 4, who have blocked it in England for some reason?!

And I can't find it on youtube, which is a shame because I too, find the opposite perspective funny.

soreen @ 1/25/2010 5:38:17 PM

But the Scots have given the English so much.

And no, I don't echo those sentiments, I just find it funny, in the same way I find the opposite sentiments funny also.

kelephon @ 1/25/2010 5:09:08 PM

My thoughts on Glasgow are pretty thoroughly summed up by this:

Moe @ 1/25/2010 4:38:59 PM

« kelephon : Besides, from my experience of Glasgow, the cop would start beating the crap out of the Londoner without offering a reason.

So...pretty much like cops almost anywhere then.

Zing!

kelephon @ 1/25/2010 1:24:58 PM

Besides, from my experience of Glasgow, the cop would start beating the crap out of the Londoner without offering a reason.

dingbat @ 1/25/2010 12:52:24 PM

« Ankabout : LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

Not sure why the person who made up this joke chose a Glasgow cop and London Lawyer?

It adds nothing to the joke but in fact makes it completely invalid. In Glasgow and in fact the whole of the UK there is no law saying that you have to carry a license or registration with you when you drive.

The joke itself was very funny but didn't make much sense when set in Glasgow.

Ankabout @ 1/25/2010 11:53:15 AM

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair.. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says,
.
.
.
.
.
."Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"

hoosker @ 1/13/2010 12:43:48 PM

Moral 2:
no matter how hard a man works to please a woman, she's never happy.

KerOBeroS32 @ 1/13/2010 12:26:46 PM

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

mutil8or @ 1/9/2010 1:49:47 PM

Winter weather forecast

It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’

‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’ ‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’ The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every stick and branch.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied,’ It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a s**tload of firewood’.

spocksmyhomeboy @ 1/6/2010 10:09:42 PM

My mates where telling me about his huge killer butterfly in the nearest city today......

......turns out, its just and urban moth

Moe @ 1/6/2010 11:25:46 AM

The accountant looked over to the fisherman and said "What's your net worth?"

mutil8or @ 12/22/2009 8:18:28 PM

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient And ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug….. Do you want a bed near the window?”

mutil8or @ 12/21/2009 9:13:29 AM

Castro's Army

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.

The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says,"Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says,

"Secret Service!"

dingbat @ 12/18/2009 11:24:36 AM

I actually worked in a bar once that had a bell wired up to the condom machine for much the same reasons.

Colt45 @ 12/18/2009 11:07:34 AM

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?’

Ankabout @ 12/16/2009 12:00:54 PM

Please please please - make yourself aware of where this is happening AND tell your friends!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Morrisons for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking young men with foreign accents come over to your car and help pack your shopping into the boot. They then both start cleaning your windscreen. Their firm young bodies bulging out of their skimpy vest tops. It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco's. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting himself against you, while the other one steals your purse!

I had my purse stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!

P.S. K-Mart have purses on sale for 1.99 each, Target are 1.75 and look nicer.

Colt45 @ 12/15/2009 11:05:59 AM

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,

"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber.

"That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

maven @ 12/12/2009 9:03:23 PM

« icepigs :
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

I tried to follow the recipe, but the table wouldn't fit in the mixer.

Bornbad @ 12/12/2009 8:54:14 PM

Jesus knows you're here

mutil8or @ 12/11/2009 2:35:24 PM

The over confident CEO:

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”

“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?”

From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”

icepigs @ 12/9/2009 10:19:19 AM

In honor of MeggySue's Cookie thread....

Wanted to pass on my favorite Christmas recipe. Hope you enjoy. This was taken directly from my notes last year.

---------------------------------
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a s....t Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas !

tigertony @ 12/1/2009 12:26:53 PM

It didn't take long, did it?

-Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

-What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

-Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

-What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

-Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. Apparently he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

-Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They're said to be named Elin's Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."

-Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. His new name?: Cheetah

-Since Tiger drives an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

-Hello Mister Woods this is the OnStar operator. We have detected that an angry person has put a golf club through your window, we are contacting Nike for a replacement club.

Bornbad @ 11/24/2009 4:55:17 PM

The Tuggie

Ankabout @ 11/24/2009 11:34:47 AM

A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S.Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b***h out of the window.

Ankabout @ 11/4/2009 2:34:03 AM

An American lawyer and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer believes that Nigerians are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Nigerian would like to play a fun game.

The Nigerian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The American lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Nigerian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Nigerian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Nigerian and hands him $500. The Nigerian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Nigerian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Moe @ 11/2/2009 5:31:55 PM

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one swift motion, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the house, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean

How to wash a dog

1. Get a quarter of a pound of raw hamburger. Put it in a large wash tub outside.

2. When the dog gets in to eat the hamburger, wash him with the hose.

2manyusernames @ 11/2/2009 4:56:02 PM

How to Give a Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.

Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.

Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

KEROberos32 @ 11/2/2009 10:59:27 AM

So this prostitute is out doing her rounds and gets called to get into a car by a prospective client:

Client: How much?

$100

Client: All I have is $30... what can I get for $30?

Just one moment...

The prostitute gets out and goes to her pimp and explains to him what transpired in the car:

Pimp: For $30... he gets a handjob

The prostitute returns to the car and tells the client that for $30 he only gets a hand job. The client agrees and whips out his 'exemplary' specimen of manhood. The prostitute excuses herself for a moment and returns to the pimp:

Anyway you can lend him $70?

tigertony @ 10/31/2009 3:43:08 PM

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied.
"Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles..

Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

Milkshake @ 9/22/2006 4:25:10 PM

This is the humour section isnt it??

Well lets have em them.